How Family Influence And Affects Your Relationship? 

What does your family have to do with your relationship? What if I told you everything and nothing? Yes, that’s it, you can leave it right there and move on.

I wouldn’t leave you without explaining this oxymoron. If you are aware of how your family upbringing has impacted you, and have done your work, then your family issues are a thing of the past. You know when to distinguish between family issues and what’s actually going on in front of you. On the other hand, if you are not aware of how your family upbringing has impacted you, then you will be carrying some extra-large duffel bags into your relationship. This is a recipe for a disaster.

Now for good, bad, or indifferent, our family is where we learned how to fight, forgive, make-up, and communicate. This can influence us with healthy models, unhealthy models, or nonexistent models. We fall back on what we know time and time again. We must be clear that awareness alone will not solve our relationship problems.

Here are three (3) things to keep in mind that can help you navigate relationships, while also helping you to determine if your family ways are sabotaging your relationship:

• You find yourself saying “This is just me, accept me for who I am”?

If you are unwilling to recognize how your family foundation has shaped you negatively or positively, then you are not willing to grow. Take an inventory of your physical, emotional, and spiritual areas. Also, be open to feedback from others. You might be surprised what you learn that can help you to grow individually and as a couple.

Understanding what you have been carrying around can support healthy and whole relationships. Ask yourself what you have been carrying around, and why? Allow others to give you feedback.

Some issues that can negatively impact relationships are fear, defeat, worthlessness, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, inferiority, hurt, pain, perfectionism, self-sabotage, grief, worry, and wounds. How has your emotional baggage impacted you? Does the baggage leave you feeling tired, drained, overwhelmed, and unfulfilled? Do you find yourself living too much in the past or too future-oriented? If you are in those spaces, it is likely that you are not embracing the present.  Acknowledging the toxic baggage can help you gain insight.

• You have a pattern of behaviors when it comes to relationships.

Danger, warning, red flags?!?!? If you notice that you seem to be in the same relationship but with different people, take the time to look at the common denominator…YOU! Explore what is it about you that attracted these different individuals to you.

Taking on the problems of others as your own can be dangerous. You must own your issues. Knowing YOU is powerful. You become clear regarding what issues are your own and what belongs to someone else. Define and implement healthy boundaries. Identify the problem or concerns. This requires honesty, authenticity, and work. Unpack one bag at a time. This helps you to not become frustrated with the process.

Get a support system. Seek out a professional counselor, pastor or spiritual leader, or coach. Gain an understanding of who would be helpful based on what is going on. You can benefit from having all three-trifecta. Find someone who you can trust that is willing to walk alongside you.

The benefits of counseling far outweigh the costs. You can find affordable counseling services in your area through a variety of resources including www.openpathcollective.org or www.therapyforblackgirls.com.

• Talk to your family members about their relationships.

You might notice a pattern here that is generational. Toxic relationships, healthy communication, great intimacy, parenting skills, etc. This may prevent you from making someone else’s mistakes. Be willing to be vulnerable and you might learn something from someone else. We can learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. If we are willing to address the issues, we can overcome them.

It is all about perspective. It’s like a family tree but extends to learning about the ways that your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and other family members’ relationship history. It is important to know your past and what issues have been addressed. This could help you understand more about how you interact in relationships. If you wondered why you have a propensity towards certain behavior but not sure where it started or why your family’s history can be the key that unlocks the door.

Bonus Tip

If you find that there are still some lingering questions and it is difficult to approach these topics. You don’t have to feel alone or go at this solo. Reach out to a professional counselor that can provide the necessary support so that you can win in relationships all around: family, friends, and intimate. It all starts with you.