Mother, I Don’t Want To Get Married 

My boyfriend and I have lived in the same community for pretty much our whole lives. We’ve known each other for so long that, at least to me, we’re more like brother and sister than anything else.

My mother is kind of pushing for us to get married, but I don’t know. I love him, I really do. I care about him and everything. But every time the topic comes up about getting married, so that we can give her grandchildren “before mi han‘ cyaa manage dem”, I just feel a dark fluttery pain in my chest. That only happens when she starts talking about that. What do you think it is?

– Child Of An Overbearing Mother, Montego Bay

There are a lot of missing elements that would first need to be looked at. You shared having a ‘brother and sister’ relationship with your boyfriend, I’m wondering what is missing there?

If you do still have a great romantic attraction to your boyfriend then that is fine. Also note, it is not necessarily an issue to have a very comfortable relationship with your partner, as it can work best for you both to ultimately have a strong foundation. But ensure you’re both on the same page.

At times, people stay in relationships out of familiarity and what’s expected by others rather than our own interests. Again, I can’t make a fair call on that as I would need more information.

What Mother Wants Me To Get Married And Have Children

Now, if your mother is edging you both towards marriage and children, you have to do a deep inventory. Is this the person you want to marry? Do you feel as though you are curious to explore what else is out there since you’ve never been out of the same community? Do you even want children?

Understand, not everyone wants children and that is okay. You do not need to appease anyone out of feeling you ‘should’ or to make them happy. Does your boyfriend feel the same flutter? Does he want kids? Do you want to be married at all? Are you both able to talk about these things? Again, these are questions you need to ask yourself and ensure you are being honest with you and not what you think you should feel.

Your mom may want the opportunity to have grandchildren but you have to understand, this is your personal journey. As much as our parents may want the best for us, they can have their own expectations, which doesn’t always equate to ours. This is okay. Most importantly, parents just want us to find our way and our own kind of happiness.

Find Your Footing

So, find your own footing, desires, dreams, interests, etc. If something is not really what you want, you won’t feel content. You described this fluttery pain but I think you have to take a look at your own wants/needs to see if these are even things you want for yourself. Our bodies have an interesting way of telling us when something isn’t right. My advice to you, take your time, examine these notions and question yourself to ensure you are living by your standards. If something is off, you will feel it.

DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR DR. RUE?

Ask Dr. Rue is a weekly, anonymous advice column where your most vulnerable mental health + emotional wellness concerns are addressed. Do you have a question to ask or a situation to present, and wondering what Dr. Rue might have to say? Ask Dr. Rue here